Dancing Calcobrena

I got a new dog, today! I’d introduce you, but he’s...

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 13:13:08 -0500

I got a new dog, today! I’d introduce you, but he’s a little tied up right now. Perhaps, later?

We are number one when it comes to debt to the IMF, though. Our...

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 07:35:15 -0500

We are number one when it comes to debt to the IMF, though. Our account balance in the International Monetary Fund is around negative 400 billion. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to write a check for 400 billion dollars and not go to prison? Oh, and who’s in second place? Spain, with a balance of negative 70 billion. Who’s got the highest balance? China, with over 300 billion dollars in the black; more than twice Japan, the runner-up.

This only makes sense if you’ve heard the Mel Gibson audio...

Sun, 18 Jul 2010 17:12:40 -0500

This only makes sense if you’ve heard the Mel Gibson audio rant. Click here to listen. There’s much more, which you’ll find all around youtube and many other websites if you do a little searching. The entire rant is around 43 minutes long.

Am I a bad person for totally giggling like crazy when I saw...

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 20:42:31 -0500

Am I a bad person for totally giggling like crazy when I saw this?

Ordinary & Single

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 13:26:40 -0500

It’s been a month and a half since Breanna left me. Don’t feel sorry for me; I deserved it. When I met her, she tried to tell me all of these great things about myself. She told me I was beautiful, affectionate, intelligent, sensitive, caring, and unselfish. She accepted that I wasn’t a perfect person, but she claimed she believed I was perfect for her. She went as far as to say that I was even made just for her. For a little while, I resisted, but she didn’t like that. So, I started to accept these things she told me and, in some ways, believed them. At least, to the degree where I felt that they were things she truly believed.

The truth is, there’s nothing extraordinary about me. There never has been. Quite honestly, I don’t aspire to be anything but normal and average. I’m happiest when I can just fit in.

My other point, is that I’m beginning to accept that I’m single, again. It’s hard, and it hurts so badly, but I know there’s nothing I can do to ever get Breanna back in my life as my significant other. She doesn’t trust me, she hardly believes anything I say, and she’s all but completely disconnected from me. Whenever I talk to her, I just seem to make things worse. My existence makes her unhappy. I had never felt so close to anyone in my entire life, and now, I have never felt so far from someone. I count myself as lucky that I hadn’t been pushed out of her life completely, but lately I’m beginning to wonder what the difference would be between that and whatever this is.

I’m not special. I’m not made for anyone. If Breanna isn’t my soulmate, then the concept of such a thing truly doesn’t exist. Anyone that thinks otherwise is just setting us both up for the same disappointment that Breanna and I went through. I just want to be an ordinary, average, American wife. I want to marry for love, and start a family for all the right reasons. I definitely want to be a mom. If this were to happen, it would most likely be with another female, so I’d love to have a son, so we can truly have a freakin’ man around the house! Sure, it would be a big responsibility, but I know he’d be awesome at it. I’d love a daughter to share my jewelry and clothes with, teach her how to do her makeup, and hopefully, guide her to not make the same mistakes I did. I wanted to find someone who wanted these things with me. It’s a lot easier to make a dream that’s one and the same come true than try to fulfill two different dreams altogether.

It doesn’t have to be fancy. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I just don’t want it to be a dream anymore. So, now that we’re done with what I want, let’s check back in with reality. I know I will most likely never have those things, though I was quite deluded, at one point, that I just may. I’m learning to cope with that. Just because I’ll never start a family, doesn’t mean I want to give up on not being alone. If there’s someone out there for me, let me know you’re there. I don’t need you to tell me I’m beautiful, or special, or amazing, or perfect. You can threaten me, hurt me, hit me, break all of my things and then scream at me, “Look at what you made me do!” Really, you can, and I won’t go anywhere. I’d take solace in knowing that you know just how much of a mistake I am from the start. In fact, just knowing that you regretted me the moment you met me and still chose to be with me would be pretty flattering. If it makes you happy to hate me, it’s OK; just don’t leave me alone.

I want to make it very clear I’m not looking into some kind of domination and submission thing. I don’t want some mutual understanding of some twisted form of love being expressed with sadistic power play. I’m just willing to accept and love a person that’s abusive, for as long as they let me love them.

If you’re out there, I’m ordinary and I’m single and I don’t want to be anything more in this life, but yours.

Moving On

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 09:59:28 -0500

You were always there for me, and us. I was the undependable one. How could you stay in a relationship like that? The short answer is, you couldn’t.

That’s how I figured out how you fell out of love with me last night. Up until the middle of last month, you were always there for me and I just wasn’t there for you. I didn’t even realize the stress it put on you to bottle everything up just so I wouldn’t fall apart. I always knew you the stronger of the two of us. So, of course, when you couldn’t talk to me, you’d talk to someone else. You leaned on someone else and you certainly didn’t need me anymore. I simply made you not need me anymore.

All of that took you about a year to figure out. It took me about five weeks. I guess that should make me feel lucky. All it really does is make me sad.

I needed you last night, just as I needed you so many nights since you’d left. You even called me, just to hang up on me when I needed you most. Fortunately, for me, someone else was there for me. That’s all it took to make me realize I didn’t need you; that I can’t need you. You aren’t a dependable person to need, just as I wasn’t. You used to be, but that’s not the person you want to be for me anymore.

If there came a time within these past few weeks where you needed me and I was there for you, maybe that would have put us back on track. Now, I guess it would take a miracle, for we’d have to both realize we need each other and we can depend on one another.

Is that what real love is? I don’t really think so. I think love needs a little codependency here and there, but codependency sure doesn’t need love. I suppose that’s why if you love something you have to let it go; if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be. If you let something go and it was more than some symbiotic dependence, but actual love, of course, they’ll come back, otherwise they only might come back. Just because they come back, doesn’t mean it was love, it just means they still need you and you’re still willing to be there for them. It’s only love if they come back without needing to. Tricky, huh?

Last year, I needed someone, and you needed someone, and we sort of just fell in one another’s lap. Call it serendipity. Was there love there? Maybe something we thought was love, perhaps, but I’ve really lost faith that it was anything like that. I do, however, believe you were the closest thing to real love I’ve ever had.

Maybe I’m wrong, though. Maybe there was love and we’ll end up back together some day. Maybe, we’ll just wind up being dependent on each other, again, and start this cycle all over, again.

Regardless of what any of it was, I still would have married you and spent the rest of my life making this work. That’s just the kind of person I am.

Last night, I needed you and you could have been there for me but you chose not to be. You made it very clear to me that it was your choice not to be there for me. How can I be in love with someone that treats me like that? I can’t.

The foundation for real love is definitely there, and maybe someday we can give that a try now that we know what it is. We definitely have all the makings for it, we just have to both want it. On the bright side, you taught me what love is, and what it isn’t. Unfortunately, with us, it probably just wasn’t there. Tempus est optimus iudex.

I’m not hurting myself over you, anymore. You can stop being such a mindfuck all the time, now. Goodbye, Breanna.

Photo

Sun, 30 May 2010 23:31:01 -0500

Sometimes I forget why I even bother with 4chan’s antics;...

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 20:01:34 -0500

Sometimes I forget why I even bother with 4chan’s antics; then something like this comes along…

If the technology becomes commercially viable, I’ll visit...

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 13:34:00 -0600

If the technology becomes commercially viable, I’ll visit you in a submarine.

"When you make music or write or create, it’s really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible,..."

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 20:00:00 -0600

““When you make music or write or create, it’s really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you’re writing about at the time.””

- Lady Gaga on 31 January 2009 ~8:00 PM (1 Year Ago)

Bye-Bye Firefox

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 21:23:43 -0600

When it comes to browsing, Google Chrome is just faster. Unfortunately, there were just too many Firefox extensions that were essential to me and Google Chrome didn’t support extensions at all. Now, Adblock, IE Tab, iMacros, Reloader, RoboForm, and a bunch of other extensions that I’d become dependent on in Firefox are now available in the latest release of Google Chrome.

First of all, I’m really surprised, impressed, and thankful at how fast these all became available. It’s nice to see the developers of these amazing extensions so quick to act on this. I got everything I need now, and unless Firefox decides to do something innovative, I’ll be exclusively using Google Chrome from now on.

No End in Sight

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 13:34:29 -0600

Sure, it bothers me that we’ve torn the United States constitution to shreds to justify political agenda, but why the hell is Marriage Equality, of all things, still an issue?

On one side, you have arguments founded on the Fourteenth Amendment’s declaration that we’re all created equal and that no State shall pass any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States. Furthermore, no State shall deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law, nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Obviously, nobody cares, so let’s just tear that part out since, like the rest of the Constitution, it’s obviously a joke. El-oh-el, did you get it? Don’t sweat it; neither did I.

Opponents of Marriage Equality say that it’s a religious institution. Sure, I’ll buy that. I’m even willing to concede marriage as union between one man and one woman. All I ask for in return is that all the legal privileges and rights, federal and state associated with it be redacted. Am I not merciful? The very First Amendment in our constitution prohibits Congress from creating any legislation respecting an establishment of religion. If marriage is a religious institution then it should be nothing more than a solemn, yet trivial, promise before a shared perception of a higher power. Creating any legal protection and privilege for it on the basis of religion is a complete reversal on the very foundation of this entire country.

When our forefathers wrote the damn thing, their were seeking to establish a government that wasn’t defined by religion. That’s not to say our laws and ideals aren’t guided by some of the common sense doctrine in religious scripture, but I’m not about to advocate there’s not at least some degree of common sense in the bible. Anyway, it was this exclusion that made this country what it is today. Excluding foreign, internal revolutions, we’re among the youngest of developed nations and the most powerful country in the world. The fact is, we didn’t get where we are by paralyzing and stagnating our country with these ridiculous, archaic arguments.

We’ve tried, though. I am not about to go through the list of setbacks for this country because we tried to gyp people out of their civil rights. Let’s just agree that it had never gotten us anywhere.

Now, look at us. Even Portugal is about to permit gay marriage. That country is almost entirely Roman Catholic. Are we so backwards that we are no longer the leader of civil rights? At this point, we should just be ashamed of ourselves.

So, back to my point. Why is this an issue? Why is there even a focus of energy on civil rights within this country? What do these other countries have that we don’t? Are we so obnoxious that we think that just because we weren’t the first to recognize it as a basic civil right, that it isn’t one at all? I’m seriously baffled.

Marriage Equality is largely a grass roots movement. The opposition, the religious and conservative institutions broadcasting all their nonsense propaganda, are spending hundreds of millions of dollars to defeat legislation to protect our civil rights. Do you have any idea what those hundreds of millions of dollars could have done instead? Who is god really going to punish? The gays for loving, or the churches for hating?

I think of the money, time, and energy spent on both sides and I wonder if it’s even worth it anymore. The opposition has invested so much in this already that they know they have to win so they’ll never stop. It’s only a matter of time before the churches are just as bankrupt as the rest of us.

I’m worried about this going all the way to the Supreme Court, but what if we win? The justices aren’t propaganda sponges and the appointment process somewhat separates them from the lobbyists, so I suppose it’s possible. Will we, finally, be able to move on?

Then again, what if we lose?

Ommmmm nom nom nom!

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 20:11:00 -0600

Ommmmm nom nom nom!

Music

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 16:28:26 -0600

Like anyone, I’d listen to music virtually my whole life. When I was younger, though, I wasn’t a big fan of music with lyrics. That didn’t stop me from becoming partial to several great songs, but I was very happy with something I could stereotypically rock to.

I’d become quite a fan of The Cranberries when I was twelve, though, and that was the first time I’d ever really become a real fan of a particular artist. When I was fourteen, I became a huge fan of Jewel. For a while, her and The Cranberries would go back and forth as my favorite, but Jewel, eventually, came out on top.

Well, it’s been over a decade and I’m almost 30 so it’s no surprise some things might change for me. Needless to say, I still love Jewel and The Cranberries and they will always hold a special place in my heart. However, I must admit, I have a new love. For a while now, I was torn between her and Jewel as my favorite because Jewel had been so good to me and so reliable for so damn long.

It should be obvious, but if it isn’t I’m referring to Lady Gaga, of course. Her awesome lyrics mixed with lavish rhythm you can move your body to is just orgasmic nirvana. The more of her music I listen to, the more I find myself falling in love. Her talent, alone, is enough to warrant this dramatic promotion, but she comes with so many lovely bonuses; my personal favorite being her civil rights activism.

I’d been leaning this way for a while, now, but I decided to just accept it. Jewel, honey, I love you, but I really just love Lady Gaga more.

Farewell to Blogger

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 05:24:00 -0600

I’d been on Blogger for a while and it was pretty easy to ignore Tumblr just as easy as it was any other blogging platform that had come along. Just recently, my friend Monika tweeted about it, and I thought I’d just go and check it out, again; expecting another glossy representation of stagnant innovation.

Flawless integration with Facebook & Twitter? Audio Blogging? Seamless support with a multitude of other services? I’m seriously impressed. So, why not start off the year by switching over to Tumblr?

Unfortunately, Tumblr doesn’t have a very good system for importing a blog from another platform. There is a hack out there to do it for you, but I kept getting an error about halfway through, so I gave up on that.

But I really like it, now. I like it A LOT! I could just keep using Blogger and hope Tumblr implements a system to import from my blog from there; suffering in the meantime. I could also just start posting here and, hopefully, such a system, if ever created, will be able to append and predate existing blog entries. Yeah, I think I’m going with the latter on this. Besides, I’d messed around with integrating a third-party audio blogging system in my Blogger and that is just a damn headache. Tumblr has native support for it! I’d be retarded not to switch, wouldn’t I?

So, here you have it. Hopefully, Tumblr will continue to design seamless solutions rather than relying on a fractured, third-party, widget system to do all the work for them. Seriously, that’s really all Blogger does. They’ve done nothing groundbreaking, phenomenal, or original.

Thanks, Monika!

Happy New Year 2010!

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 00:01:00 -0600

This year really didn’t end like I wanted it to. I just thought that 2010 would be different. I thought I’d finally have a New Year’s kiss from someone I wasn’t related to. I didn’t even go my family’s New Year’s party because I wouldn’t have been able to get there until a half hour before midnight. I know it’s going to get better over the next few weeks. I just wish things were different right now. Besides, there’s always next year.

As far as New Years’ resolutions, I think I’m just going to continue to strive toward more positive goals contributing to a brighter future for me, my fiancée, and our hopes and dreams. The world has been struggling more than ever this past year. Ever since Breanna had to go back home, I’d realize that I’d been pretty complacent on letting the world crumble around us. While it doesn’t matter if the world falls apart all around us, it does matter that we have a plan to adapt and recollect ourselves. October wasn’t a great month for me as I spent almost all of it crying. However, last month, and this month, I’ve been really making an effort to make the healthy changes I needed and that’s made me more positive about the future. I still have a ways to go, but I’m more confident in the direction I’m heading and I know everything’s going to be alright.

I miss you, Breanna. Happy New Year, baby.